There is a principle in Yoga called Non-Harming which I have been learning about of late. It really has meaning for me.  It is usually understood in the context of our behaviour toward others but Nona Jordan teaches us to extend Non-Harming to ourselves first.


Let's look at a few examples of Harming myself first.
I can harm myself by allowing someone to cajole me into another slice of triple chocolate cake when I have committed to eating a healthy diet.
I can harm myself by staying up late to watch tv when I know I am tired.
I can harm myself by spending too much time with a negative, hurtful person (or running old hurtful tapes from someone in my past.)
I can harm myself by forgetting that what I need matters, that I matter.
I have done all these things and my guess is you have too....

So I coined a new (bad grammar) phrase "How can you Non-Harm yourself today?"
What can you do today that is loving and gentle and kind for your self?
It starts in little ways. 
Often the best things do!
This morning I didn't set the alarm an hour early as I have been doing all week. I was tired so I gave myself some extra sleep. Yesterday, I paid a bill on time so that I don't have to face a nasty letter next week and a late fee.
As you go through the next few days, just notice how you might be harming your self. 
I hope that you will then make a choice to Non-Harm your self instead. 
Because you matter!


Let us know what you notice and what changes for you in the comments below.

 I was so moved recently when a client told me that our work together gave her the space to see her 'broken heart.' Most people try to run away from their broken hearts. And it just doesn't work. The secret that nobody talks about is that if your heart is broken, it happened already. What I mean by this is that the hurtful event has already occurred. Pretending to yourself that your heart is not broken, when it is, makes no sense whatsoever. But we all do it at some point in our lives. A better way, is to look at our broken heart and listen to our broken heart. What is your broken heart saying to you? What does your broken heart really need? Only by looking and listening will you truly know.
A long time ago, I worked with a woman whose lengthy marriage had ended. She had tried everything and she felt she could not let go of the past and all the feelings she had about it. We sat together as she listened to her broken heart. What she came up with was that her heart needed to say goodbye to her marriage. She decided to take a day to visit all the places dear to her. She visited the cinema where they had their first date, the street corner where they had their first kiss, the church in which they said their vows. She laughed and she cried. She said goodbye. She honoured the needs of her broken heart... and she began to heal.

Have you ever just sat and watched the water of a spring or a small river? Have you noticed how it meets an obstacle and just flows round it? It doesn't stop as if to say 'hey, what are you doing in my path?' The water simply flows around the obstacle, sometimes even separating into two channels and joining up with itself on the other side. The water doesn't fight with what is like we humans do. It accepts. Then it moves on. We all have obstacles in our lives of one kind or another. We can fight with what is or we can go around it and continue on our way. We all can find a way or make a way.
What creative ways have you found or made in your life?
I'd love to hear about them below...
 

I am just back from a week in the sun. I swam twice a day in a gorgeous pool overlooking the sea. I soaked up the healing sun. I visited beautiful places that I love and I stopped working. I didn't write and I watched my thoughts as they floated in and out of my mind. I didn't try to hold onto them or follow them to any meaningful conclusion.
I felt suspended in the heat, supported by the water and free of any concern about goals or outcomes. It was blissful. 
Ideas and options bubbled up and floated away. I felt sure that anything important would come back and stay. I reread  Eat Pray Love in lazy pieces and dozed over the pages. 
As the days went by I wondered what life would be like if we all held on more lightly... if we didn't push ourselves so hard. I intend to look at this very notion over the coming week.
  
What would happen if you let yourself be like the water, going around the obstacles instead of beating your head on them?
What would happen in your life if you didn't force yourself to do some perceived 'right thing'?
Would the sky fall in?
Or would you maybe find a better more loving way?
One you couldn't even imagine right now....
As always your thoughts and comments are so welcome...
and if you want to explore how your family relationships could change then fill in the form below and .....

No lasting change can happen in our lives unless we begin to have compassion for ourselves. This world is full of people who do not know how to be kind to themselves. Compassion begins like everything, with small actions. Eat when you are hungry, sleep when you are tired and put on an extra sweater when you are cold. Some will read this and say 'but my problems are so much bigger than this!' My answer is 'yes, they probably are!' Still eat when you are hungry, keep warm and sleep when you are tired. Because there is no problem that cannot be made worse by not taking care of yourself.
Next, don't tell yourself nasty things about yourself. Even if your mother or father told you they were true. Maybe they were wrong. In fact, most probably they were wrong. Instead treat yourself the way you treat those you love; with kindness, thoughtfullness and gentleness. Give yourself a break. Do it once, twice and then again and again. 
And just maybe, the past will begin to loosen it's grip on you!

Lots of people find it difficult to make these changes by themselves. I certainly couldn't! Don't make this another thing to give yourself a hard time about... and if you would like some help I would be honoured to help you here  Family Relationship Resolution

Duty is an old-fashioned word that many people no-longer use. It seems to have become the preserve of military families. But I remember conversations in my family when I was growing up about duty, our duty to our parents. It was a loaded word, drenched in meaning and nuance.  It demanded certain behaviours from us. 
Duty demanded that we did not question our parents' authority, even if their decisions were crazy, unhealthy, or simply not right for us. Many of us grew up completely unaware that we had choices. We grew up believing that even though it caused us pain we had to do what our parents dictated. For many, the easiest solution was to leave Ireland. Once abroad, people could make all sorts of choices that the parents at home could do nothing about. 

But in truth, we always have choices. We may fear the consequences. We may not like the consequences. We may feel the price is too high.  But we always have choices.

Really knowing that we have choices and exploring all the options open to us changes everything. I remember once meeting a mother whose child had a severe physical disability. Her life was demanding 24/7. Peace shone from her. I asked her how she came to be so peaceful and happy. She answered "I rarely forget that the life I live is of my own choosing. I choose to care for my child myself. Nobody is holding a gun to my head. This is my choice!"

Someone got mad with me this week. She said she had tried EVERYTHING to resolve her complicated family relationship and NOTHING worked. God I know how she feels. I know that anger, that despair, that descent into helplessness. I too have watched that painful groove going deeper and deeper into the carpet until all I can think to do is give up and throw the **** carpet out.
Well here's the deal. We can't 'fix' them.' We can't. You are right! 
(I guess you weren't expecting that!) 
But there is SO much we can do for ourselves.

Viktor Frankl wrote "When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." This is what family relationship resolution is all about. We change our thinking and our habitual responses to the behaviour of our family members. Much of the work is painless and fun. (I absolutely know that most of you don't believe me now, but it must be said.) 
No-one is 'past the point of rescue', not even you!

If you are fed up of going round and round in ever decreasing circles, there are 2 FREE   Solutions sessions available so what have you got to lose?

On April 30, 2012, a group of Irish men and women, lay people and religious, held a silent demonstration outside the Papal Nunciature in Dublin. They wore gags over their mouths to protest at the censorship that has been brought to bear by the Vatican against five priests Brian D'Arcy,  Tony Flannery, Gerard Moloney, Seán Fagan and  Owen O’Sullivan. What awful crime did they commit? They simply said aloud and in public what many Catholics believe and feel. 

After Vatican Two, as children, we were taught that 'church' means family of believers. Well from a therapeutic perspective, this 'family' is in big trouble. The father (Pope Benedict) is punishing his most loyal sons, for daring to ask  questions! Furthermore, if they 'persist in disobedience' they are faced with the real possibility of having their priestly role stripped from them. In family terms, they are under threat of being disinherited and shunned.

I have worked with adults who had tyrannical fathers for many years. There are only a few possibilities. The sons cave in to the tyrant and are broken for the rest of their lives. The sons leave before they are pushed out by the tyrant. The sons are expelled by the tyrant. All the children of the family unite against the father. (This is rare.) 

Often the tyrannical father sees no harm in what he has done. He believes he is doing what is right and the fault lies only with the disobedient children. But there is no love in what the father is doing. He is the father who as he beats his children tells them 'I do this only because I love you.'

As I listened to Brian D'Arcy on radio on Saturday, I was once again impressed by the love and care for his people he demonstrates all through his life. His honest responses to the pain caused by the Catholic Hierarchy can only be respected. 
"I will not stop addressing this issue, however. As someone who was abused, it would be wrong for me as person and as a priest to stay silent,'' he said. "Silence on child abuse leads to more child abuse and I will not be a part of that." 
As quoted by Greg Harkin, Irish Independent Newspaper April 30th 2012

You are welcome to leave your comments below. Or if you would like to know more about my work see   Family Relationship Resolution 

  

This weekend no matter how you are feeling, hug your granny if you still have her, phone your friend or cousin that you haven't spoken to in a long time, or take your kids for ice cream and forget about the mess. In other words, create a day that says 'I love you.' Create a day that will live in their memory and make them smile. Create a day that reminds you how good it is to be alive, to love and be loved. No matter how painful your life was or is, take a day off from that pain and be loving. Let us know how you get on in the comments below.

Yesterday, as I sat at my desk, the sun was shining through the window. I felt such a deep feeling of peace and contentment. In the distance the mountains flow down to the sea. I cannot see the waves from my window but I know that they are always there. The waves ebb and flow no matter what people do. The waves take the rocks and make grains of sand out of them. The waves take broken bottles and make smooth pebbles I can hold without cutting my hand.
I spent hours as a child, walking on the beach, watching the waves.
I felt like one of those bottles, broken and cast aside.
I was almost thirty before I began to see that the waves of pain had also made a smooth, shiny pebble out of me. The sharp edges of bitterness had been worn away. The salt water had washed off all the muck and dirt. The imperfections make the glass the pebble that it is.  And so it is with me.
What has time and tide made of you?