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My Invisible Brother, Michael

2/3/2012

14 Comments

 
Picture
Even as a very small child, I always wanted a brother. He would have been wise and strong and would have stood up to the bullies on the playground for me. When I was in my twenties I discovered that I do indeed have a brother. It was the first I had ever heard of my invisible brother Michael. 

In 1969 my mother gave birth to my brother Michael. He died at birth.  I don't know if I have words to describe how I felt but I will try. Finding Michael made sense to me of the 'something missing' feeling I had grown up with. Finding Michael also made sense of my gut feeling that there was something going on in my family that I didn't know about. The details of Michael's birth and death made sense of my mother's wild grief, and the frailty mixed with anger that I sensed in her and didn't understand.

As was the custom, my grandfather and my father took Michael from my mother and buried him against the walls of the ruined church in the old graveyard in Churchill. Michael had died before baptism so he was excluded from a Catholic burial in the family grave. My mother was not told where Michael was buried. Custom forbade her from speaking of him. It was as though the waters closed, leaving no trace of my brother. My mother gave birth to three more children, only one of whom survived birth. Out of six of us siblings, only three survived birth.

How did my mother not go completely mad? How did she cope with six fear filled pregnancies? How did she deal with all the months of pregnancy and then three times to have empty arms? How did she feel living with my father who never spoke of our dead siblings for nearly thirty years, except once, in anger? How did she live in a community in which speaking of her beloved babies was forbidden? How did she continue to attend a church that would not acknowledge her babies and excluded them, and her, from it's consolation? Sadly I do not know the answer to any of these questions.

A few months before my grandfather died, he told my mother where Michael is buried. Thirty years after Michael's birth and death, my mother was finally able to mark Michael's life and approximate burial place with a small marble plaque. With this simple act, she found a measure of peace. 

Sadly, my other two siblings who were born still, were never given names and we do not know where they are buried.

The secrecy around my siblings births, deaths and furtive burials caused untold harm to my parents and our family life. Anguish was always just below the surface. Like a simmering soup, bitterness festered in the background. I grew up feeling their pain but not understanding it. 

Today, I remember my brother Michael. I feel close to him and think of him almost every day.  His name is written in our family tree. Every future generation of our family will know his name and remember him. Michael is still my brother even though he died. Michael is still my mother's son even though she never held him. No church can ever take that away from us. 
Michael will never be invisible again.

You are welcome to remember your siblings or babies in the comments section below.
 
More about Cillini
Hidden in Unconsecrated Ground 

14 Comments
Marie link
2/3/2012 08:32:15 am

This is so poignant Martine and I am very moved by this post for many reasons - too many to allow me to say more - except thank you for sharing such a personal and beautiful reflection.

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Martine Brennan link
2/3/2012 09:09:22 am

You are always in my thoughts Marie x

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Niall McMahon link
2/13/2012 04:39:08 am

A lovely article Martine. My father and my stepmother also had a son who was stillborn. My circumstances were not as sad as yours, as this was only 12 years ago. I come from a Catholic background too though, and my brother was baptised before being buried. He is now buried in the same grave with his recently deceased great-grandparents and grandmother.

I already had an older brother, and now have two younger sisters and a younger brother from both of my parents' remarriages, but I do often wonder what it would be like to have a 12 year old brother about too.

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Martine Brennan link
2/13/2012 08:29:57 am

I remember your twelve year old brother with you today Niall. It must mean a great deal to know that your brother is with his grandmother and great grandparents. Thank goodness that so much has changed in the Catholic tradition so that babies and their families need no-longer be separated.

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Mary Power
6/14/2012 11:55:24 am

My mother remembers when her last sibling was born, October 1942. The first seven births were uneventful, attended by the midwife. But this time there were complications, the umbilical cord was wrapped around the baby's neck. They summoned the doctor from outside of town. He said he did all he could do and left before my mother came home from school. Leaving mother and child in the care of the midwife. When no hope was left she baptized the baby and she was buried in an unmarked grave in the children's plot of the Abbey churchyard, Milltown, Kerry.

Almost sixty years later I was doing research online on my family tree when I found the civil birth registration. No first name was given it just showed "female". Mom told me the baby's name was chosen long before the birth and I added this information to the record. Now she has closure so many years later, if anyone looks at the record or family tree they will see the baby girl, Ann.

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Martine Brennan link
6/18/2012 04:17:26 am

How wonderful Mary that you have been able to give Ann the recognition she deserves! I look forward to the day when more people will understand how important genealogy can be in bringing peace and reconciliation in families. Thank you so much for sharing Ann's life with us. Martine

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Etta Thornton
9/4/2012 06:59:44 am

Thank you. Remembering my son Cian Sam, born and died November 6, 2009, beloved brother of Priya and Henry.

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Martine Brennan link
9/4/2012 01:10:10 pm

Thinking of you Etta and your beloved son Cian today. Martine xx

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John Michael Cahill link
10/1/2012 10:42:34 am

Martine I just read about your brother Michael and I am a tough ould buzzard but it moved me very much. I never imagined the hurt such a common thing could cause to the mother , your mother, the poor woman must have been distracted with the grief and the sheer coldness of your father and granddad taking the little corpse away from her and more than once too. It was so beautifully written I could feel the pain and also your anger at what was done to her and by those close not to mention the Church. I do not believe for a single second that the man called Christ would have tolerated that and other terrible deeds done in his name. I honestly believe an evil resides in the Catholic Church. I dont believe in the Devil, they invented him, to keep us down but I do believe in evil as a black energy the opposite of WHITE light and we only have to look at how people were treated (aside alltogether from sex abuse ) by supposedly Christian men. I was in Rome recently and discovered that there has been a Myth created by the Church about the Colosseum. It seems that there is not a shred of evidence to show the Christians were ever killed there with lions or on crosses either. Nothing surprises me about the Church now, yet I have a deep faith in Christ the man. Your poor mother must have lived a living Hell and I am so sad for her and for you.
Blessings to you
John

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Martine Brennan link
10/1/2012 11:51:42 am

Your understanding really moved me John. And I agree completely that there was no love or compassion in the way my mother was treated. I often think of the words of the Dalai Lama when he says that his religion is kindness... a habit many men of the cloth have yet to learn...

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louis hemmings link
5/6/2014 02:37:30 pm

i was unaware of these "cillini" burial places until I read a piece in Saturday's Irish Times, May 3rd 2014. thank God your grandfather finally told your mother about your "invisible" brother. perhaps my video about my own stillborn daughter (1993) might interest you. it is "narrated" from the sibling's point of view.....https://vimeo.com/77928404

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Martine Brennan link
5/7/2014 04:49:15 pm

Louis, thinking of you and Holly. I am glad that your faith sustains you.
There are so many of us walking this road...too many...
Martine

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Gerardiine O'Brien
9/7/2016 09:30:56 am

Hi there, what an interesting article! I too had 2,siblings who died. My mother never spoke much about them either. I was wondering if you ve heard of Cillini or burial grounds. I'm wondering how I could find out if there are any nearby where I live? There's a lot of young people sick on this road and I'm wondering have we disturbed something? Thanking you. Gerardine O!Brien

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Martine Brennan link
9/13/2016 03:57:26 pm

Dear Geraldine, I am sad to hear of your little siblings. Cillini are often noted on old Ordinance Survey maps but most often the old people tell us about them. The unbaptised were buried also along old boundary lines or under trees that were believed to belong to the fairies. I have also been told of babies buried under the flagstone at the entry to a house. Your local library may be able to help you. Irish tradition has it that no good will come of the disturbing of the graves. It is a sad indictment of our country that we are often unaware of where these precious babies are buried.I hope you will be successful in your search. Sincerely, Martine

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