Letting the light in after babyloss

photo credit: qthomasbower via

It's hard to let the light in when we are blaming ourselves for the death of our babies.
The secret that we all share is that we all do it.
'Maybe my baby would still be here if I hadn't lifted that box/taken part in that exercise class/eaten that soft cheese/had that glass of wine/had sex that night.....'
I haven't met a Mom who hasn't asked herself these questions.
We replay the day we discovered that our babies died over and over in our minds.
We replay the days leading up to that day.
We search for a reason,
and when we can't find one we blame ourselves.

And because we don't speak of this,
because we can't speak of this,
our self blame festers inside us and does not heal.

Many of us have pushed our self blame down so far,
that we cannot reach it,
or don't even know that we are doing it.

If you are feeling hopeless now, please know you are not alone.
But no matter how hopeless you feel, we can begin to let the light in.

If you are ready to let the light in, I suggest that you take a single sheet of paper and a pen.
Close your eyes and remember a time in your life when you felt loved or full of love for another.
Then open your eyes and begin writing with this sentence,
'My friend blames herself for the death of her baby because she.........'
'She tells herself that she should have......'
Keep writing until you have to stop or there is nothing left to say.
And know that I honour you and the courage it took for you to do this.

When you are ready, take another sheet of paper.
Write to your friend and give her all the support and understanding that is in you.
Pour out your love on her.
Acknowledge her courage in speaking the unspeakable.
Tell her the truth.
If you are afraid of her anguish,
if you feel helpless and useless in the face of her pain, tell her that too.
If you don't know what to say, write that down.
But all the while pour out your love on her.

Now every time you blame your self for what you couldn't control,
remember those loving words.
(You will probably need to do this many times.)
But be assured that there is no pain in the world that is not eased by persistent love.
And you can give this love to your self,
although it is not easy,
and it takes persistence,
and you may feel silly,
and uncomfortable.

But be assured that there is no pain in the world that is not eased by persistent love.
Martine
And if you would like more support to let the light in you can find it  here
http://www.martinebrennan.com/book.html