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Last night it was important for me to go to the hospital to visit someone I love who is very ill. As we waited to go in to the room, a tiny baby in an incubator was rushed past us. Suddenly, I was right back in that time when my daughter Hannah died eight years ago. The same hospital, the same corridors, the same waiting and waiting, not knowing what was going to happen and when. The waiting seemed to last forever.
Hannah would have been eight last Sunday. I couldn't figure out how I was feeling. Empty was the only word I had. But last night, in that same hospital, I figured it out. Right now, I am angry. So angry. Hannah never had a fighting chance.The medical knowledge that might have saved her life is just not commonly available. When I say this, it is not about blame but a simple statement of the reality.But as I saw that tiny baby all I wanted to do was roll back the years and have someone, anyone, give Hannah that fighting chance that she never had. I wanted to hold her in my arms and will her heart to beat and her lungs to breathe. I wanted to bring her home in my arms and not in a box. I wanted to wake up this morning and hear her voice and comb her hair. All the things I cannot do... I have learned that no peace comes from fighting these natural feelings. So down I went into the anger and the pain. And up I came again in the certain knowledge that Hannah WILL be remembered. Her name will sit proudly in our family tree. She will be recognised for the gift she was and is to us. We will not compound the pain of her death by silence and secrecy. Hannah is my daughter. Yes she died. But she also lived and she will not be forgotten.
16 Comments
Marie Ennis-O'Connor
4/6/2012 08:53:46 pm
Oh Martine, as I read your words, my heart is too full of all the things I want to say to you right now..but then I remember that you know what's in my heart x 4/6/2012 09:34:10 pm
My heart goes out to you, brave Martine. Acknowledging anger and pain is so hard - and yet, as you say, fighting those feelings only denies you peace. Well done for showing the way. 4/7/2012 07:51:04 am
Julia, you know how much I want to share what I have learned and thank you my friend. x
Toni Maguire
4/7/2012 06:32:23 pm
I know that feeling so very well, I'm right there with you. God bless you and Hannah and the rest of your family this Easter morning. 4/8/2012 08:45:30 pm
It is a great comfort to be understood Toni, thank you. I take my hat off to you for all the wonderful work you are doing for bereaved parents. As Mary Quant used to say 'we are all taking bites off the same apple in different ways.' 4/10/2012 01:15:50 pm
There's no greater loss. One, eight, thirty-eight, the pain and the love are still there. Hopefully the pain will fade and the love will magnify. I wish the same for all who have lost loved ones. 4/10/2012 11:43:44 pm
Thank you for your gentle words Kathleen. My experience is that we learn to live with our babies being absent from our lives but that events can trigger vivid memories from time to time. If we allow ourselves to feel those feelings and not fight them we can then move through the feelings into a place of peace again. 4/22/2012 08:41:01 pm
Sending much love and healing energy from South Australia, The loss certainly is always with us Martine and you're so right about allowing ourselves to feel the pain which enables us to move on and through the terrible sadness which wells up from time to time. 4/23/2012 02:59:22 am
How wonderful that Jarren is so obviously a member of your family! People sometimes get mixed up and think we don't want to remember our children, this is so untrue. 5/23/2012 10:57:54 pm
Abigail would have been 3 on April 29th 2012 sadly she was stillborn at 41 weeks. I will never forget the moment we were told the news, or the the moment I first held her or the moment I carried her coffin into the crematorium. 5/24/2012 05:26:57 am
David, Abigail is such a beautiful name...your understanding words moved me to tears. Sometimes, I see us all as a group of war veterans who have fought our own, private hell of a war. I still get a surprise every now and then that we are all still standing. Leave a Reply. |
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