Ok I know it's not  Winter but the weather fairies don't seem to know that!
Outside my window, it is cold and wet and 'orrible.
As I sat and watched the rain, I was reminded of this song and the words it contains "farewell to the old.' And that's what I've been doing over the last few days, saying farewell to the old. 

Inspired by the work of Melani Marx

What happens when a 31 year old woman is diagnosed with breast cancer for the third time?
What happens when a woman transforms her whole life in response? 
Pasha Hogan answers these questions in her book Third Time Lucky, A Creative Recovery.
She answers the questions with courage, integrity and heart warming honesty.
Her story takes us from New York, to a farm in Ireland, to India, back to Ireland and then to Sedona and home to Sante Fe. 
The first time I read the book, I read quickly as I wanted to know Pasha's story. The second and third time, I read slowly in order to take in the nuggets of wisdom on almost every page. Pasha weaves a compelling tapestry which enfolds Celtic Spirituality, Reiki, Lakota Spirituality, Buddhism and Yoga. 
This book moves me in ways for which I have no words. It is a powerful statement of an Irishwoman's absolute commitment to following her heart and telling her truth. 
You can find Pasha's book here 
Third Time Lucky: A Creative Recovery   

Following my heart has led me down many a lonely road.
But this loneliness is not necessarily a painful thing.
Sometimes we need to travel light.
Sometimes we need to walk alone to hear the small, still voice inside us.
Sometimes the road is not fashionable or popular.
Sometimes it makes no sense to others.
But this does not make the path wrong.
And if today you feel the road calling you,
step lightly and listen.
Maybe the Voice comes from the Mystery.
and I'ts true purpose is to take you even more deeply,
into you.  

An historic event took place in my home town, Tralee on May 25th 2013.
The first ever Kerry Pride Festival was held.
A small group of brave gay people, their families and friends took to the streets.
At first, they looked solemn and scared.
But as applause and cheers broke out among the witnesses, the marchers began to walk taller.
They began to smile and wave.
They were accompanied by the sound of drums.
The beat rippled through the streets.
Some of the witnesses began to move in time to the proud sound.
An air of quiet celebration spread out and touched the hearts of many.
A few faces were confused, some uncomfortable.
But there were many heartfelt smiles.

In a county that has twice the national average of suicides among the young, I hope with all my heart that this Kerry Pride Festival will open the hearts and minds of my community, and make it a safer place for all our children to grow up in.
And if you were there, I was the grey haired woman in the red coat clapping and cheering and smiling fit to burst.... because I never thought I'd see the day.

It's hard to let the light in when we are blaming ourselves for the death of our babies.
The secret that we all share is that we all do it.
'Maybe my baby would still be here if I hadn't lifted that box/taken part in that exercise class/eaten that soft cheese/had that glass of wine/had sex that night.....'
I haven't met a Mom who hasn't asked herself these questions.
We replay the day we discovered that our babies died over and over in our minds.
We replay the days leading up to that day.
We search for a reason,
and when we can't find one we blame ourselves.

And because we don't speak of this,
because we can't speak of this,
our self blame festers inside us and does not heal.

Many of us have pushed our self blame down so far,
that we cannot reach it,
or don't even know that we are doing it.

If you are feeling hopeless now, please know you are not alone.
But no matter how hopeless you feel, we can begin to let the light in.

If you are ready to let the light in, I suggest that you take a single sheet of paper and a pen.
Close your eyes and remember a time in your life when you felt loved or full of love for another.
Then open your eyes and begin writing with this sentence,
'My friend blames herself for the death of her baby because she.........'
'She tells herself that she should have......'
Keep writing until you have to stop or there is nothing left to say.
And know that I honour you and the courage it took for you to do this.

When you are ready, take another sheet of paper.
Write to your friend and give her all the support and understanding that is in you.
Pour out your love on her.
Acknowledge her courage in speaking the unspeakable.
Tell her the truth.
If you are afraid of her anguish,
if you feel helpless and useless in the face of her pain, tell her that too.
If you don't know what to say, write that down.
But all the while pour out your love on her.

Now every time you blame your self for what you couldn't control,
remember those loving words.
(You will probably need to do this many times.)
But be assured that there is no pain in the world that is not eased by persistent love.
And you can give this love to your self,
although it is not easy,
and it takes persistence,
and you may feel silly,
and uncomfortable.

But be assured that there is no pain in the world that is not eased by persistent love.
Martine
And if you would like more support to let the light in you can find it  here
http://www.martinebrennan.com/book.html

Let's tell the truth!
It's really hard.
At first, we simply can't.
We are devastated, exhausted and in shock.
Later again we don't want to...
We don't want to smile/pretend/be brave.
Whatever we call it, we simply don't want to do it.

As time moves on we struggle with different thoughts and feelings.
We are often afraid to trust life or ourselves again.
Many feel that it would be disloyal to the loved one to find pleasure again.
Others feel responsible in some way for the death of the loved one.
(This is particularly true for mothers of babies who died through miscarriage or stillbirth.)
Sometimes we are unconsciously punishing ourselves.
Sometimes we are afraid of the rage that lurks inside us.
More of us are pushed into what people call 'finding closure.'
Many, many of us feel bad because we still feel sad after X amount of time has passed.
We tell our selves we should be better by now.

It helps to know which place we have become stuck in.
It is important to do this with lorry loads of compassion for ourselves.
It is vital to do this without judgement or condemnation in our hearts.
Then when we know what thought/judgement/self blame is hurting us,
the only important question to ask is,
'What would love have me do?'

Wishing you compassion and love for your precious self today
Martine
And if you need some help to let the light back in   check out this work Book

Some things are easier to let go of than others.
The hardest thing I ever had to let go of was all dreams of mothering my daughter Hannah.
Hannah was born and died in 2004.
Her birth was long anticipated.
I had waited 10 years.
I was in the process of closing down my counselling practise to spend all my time with my new baby.
I had bought new baby clothes for her.
I had washed and ironed all the baby clothes I had saved from when my 10 year old was a baby.
My friend had given me a cot and a buggy.
I was ready.

Then Hannah died.

Suddenly I had to say goodbye to Hannah.
And I had to say goodbye to all my dreams.
The funeral process helped me to say goodbye to Hannah.
But much later, I had to say goodbye to my dreams of mothering Hannah.
As time passed I realised that I was skirting around that dreadful pain.
So I gathered her pictures and those baby clothes,
I played the song 'In the arms of the angels' by Sarah Mc Loughlin,
and I cried the unpretty tears.
Alone, because I couldn't cry in front of others, I wailed and screamed.
I stormed around my house.
I argued with my fate aloud.
I went down and down and down into my grief until I felt empty and hollowed out.
I faced the stark reality that Hannah was gone and she was never coming back.
I looked at my life which had been bleached of all joy and meaning.
I realised that fighting this reality would drive me insane.
I realised I could become one of the walking dead.
I realised I had a choice.
I resolved then and there that somehow I would find a way or make a way to crawl back out again.
I began to accept 'that which I could not change.'
And over the following weeks and months I learned that I could soothe my pain with simple activities like walking on the beach or writing down my thoughts and feelings.
But I needed to do those things EVERY DAY.
Every day I had to get up and make a decision to do something, anything which gave me some pleasure.
Even when I didn't feel like it, I had to do something.
There was a huge effort involved in this.
But one evening, I could see that there had been no effort that day.
I had absorbed the habit.
It had become something I did like brushing my teeth or combing my hair.
I didn't have to think about it.
And I was grateful.

Now this doesn't mean that grief cannot ambush me even still.
But I stand before you now a bereaved mother, AND a woman who has joy and meaning in her life again.
I stand before you certain in the knowledge that if you go down and down into the heart of  your grief  and loss something amazing happens. 
You find an empty space. 
And you find that you have a choice. 
You have a choice to seek out those things that soothe and heal.
Only by trial and error will you find what works best for you.
But if you persist, you will find what works for you.
There will be many days when you feel discouraged.
There will be days when you feel that you are wasting your time.
There will be days when you are so angry that all you want to do is break things.
But if you persist, you will find your way. 

There is a strength inside you that you do not see because you feel so frail and vulnerable.
You can uncover your strength.
If you would like some help to do that you will find suggestions in the Happy Book which is currently on sale at cost price.

Many of you know that I wrote a little book.
But what most of you don't know is that I have been holding onto it.
Four boxes full of books!
I don't know why I was holding on so tightly.
(And they are certainly not serving anyone as they lie in dusty boxes in the attic.)
But I do know that it is time now to let go.
I had this lovely idea that my book would give me my living.
Time to let go of that too.
So I took a deep breath,
and now I am having a HUGE book sale.
The Happy Book is now available at cost price.
My goal is to sell 1,000 books.
YIKES! I thought.
But an amazing thing is happening.
Now that the Happy Book is available at 5 copies for 10 euros, it is flying out of the boxes.
Every day is a little celebration as I go to the post office to post off some more books to the far corners of the earth.
Something new is happening.
Families and groups of friends are buying the book and doing the homework together.
This makes my heart sing.
In my mind's eye I can see happiness spreading as people pay attention to the little things that lead to a happier life.
I can imagine the children who are getting to see their parents develop happy habits.
I can see them absorbing the habits without even realising it.
Most children are never taught how to create happy lives for themselves.
But these children that I don't know and will never meet are learning about happiness through their parents example.
Now my heart is singing an aria!
And I invite you to join with me and all my readers as we sing our happy songs.
The sound is beautiful and the process is very simple.

Come get your copies of the Happy Book today!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/neenahpaper/4660562149/

When energy and mobility are at a premium, important decisions have to be made about how we use them.
So as I recovered from the accident, I had to decide each day, what was most important to me.
Writing notes and letters at Xmas is REALLY important to me, so in spite of the physical challenges, I wrote to my family and friends.
This led me back to one of the most fruitful questions in life 'What matters to me?'
What matters to me may not matter to you.
It may be illogical.
Some might even consider it childish.
But none of that is important.
If something matters to you (or me) then it is important.
As we go about our busy lives, it is so easy to lose sight of what really matters to us.
The shoulds, oughts and have to's crowd our minds.
We become unhappy and dissatisfied and we don't even know why.
But we can stop the downward spiral in a moment by making a decision to do what matters to us.

Give your self some Happiness